People who live in glass houses...

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You can't please all of the people, all of the time. Mostly because all of these people are idiots. When dealing with the idiots in your life, I find it best to always take the high road, and make yourself purposefully look like the bigger idiot. This is effective for a multitude of reasons, but I mostly use it for getting through the work day.

Wow, I literally just had one of those "let's repeat that back to you and spell everything out, making sure to say a word that starts with each letter" people call me while I was typing this blog about morons just like him. I couldn't feel any better about today's subject matter now.

He got to the letter 'V' in his read back, and there was this long pause before he finally said, "as in Visco". I shit thee not. He should have just finished the whole statement and said, "V, as in Visco-Elastic Memory Foam." Then I would've known he was putting me on, trying to take the high road as the bigger idiot as I am suggesting in this very blog. But no. He just said Visco. And he hesitated in doing so, as if to say, "shit, what's a word that starts with 'V'", and "Visco" was the first thing that came to mind. He knows he's heard it somewhere before, but has no idea what it means. Now, he could've meant "disco" or "cisco" or any other number of similar words. But what he said was "visco". And THAT, makes him an actual idiot, and not just playing a fun little game with me to make his day go by more quickly.

Here's my suggestion. Be the bigger idiot first. Own your own intelligence FAIL, long before it ever comes to fruition. Whether you're a "let's repeat that back to you and spell everything out, making sure to say a word that starts with each letter" person or not, become one. And while you're reading back the entire message, letter by letter, word by word, use words that are as fucked up as "visco", and/or, the real nut kicker, say the letter, and then say a word that starts with a completely different letter altogether (i.e.: 'b' as in 'olfactory'). If the person at the other end of the phone asks you to repeat that, because obviously he/she heard that you said "'b' as in 'olfactory'", use a word other than olfactory this time. Just make sure it doesn't start with a 'b', or anything even close to a 'b' sound.

Now, if you're on the receiving end of a "let's repeat that back to you and spell everything out, making sure to say a word that starts with each letter" person's phone call, as I just was, wait until the person starts their read back, and interrupt them whenever you see fit, but well before the end, and just say, "No, that's 'I' as in, "I know you'd like me to sit here and listen to you read me back this message that I gave you, but I'm not going to." Then hang up.

"Phone's ringing dude."

"Thank you, Donnie!"

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Hell Hath No Fury...

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So it's been a minute since I've posted anything to this blog site, which breaks the cardinal rule of blogging. Of my many excuses (i.e.: I recently moved, I've been busy, I refused to use Comcast for internet and it took AT&T 6 weeks to get DSL working at my new place, the dog ate it, etc.), I have chosen one to be my official statement: I was spending time with my girlfriend. Before you stop reading or think, "hey, that's both a great excuse, and a great way to score some much needed brownie points with the lil' Ms.," let me explain to you why I'm making that my official statement, and why I'm not even lying, and why YOUR girlfriend will never be a forgivable reason to not do more interesting, fun, important things.

The following are the Top 10 Reasons why my girlfriend is cooler than yours:

10.) She has legs.

9.) Her Mom cooks well, doesn't suck as a person, and does a remarkably believable job of pretending to like me, to the point where it's not at all awkward for me to come over and eat her food all the time.

8.) She's a twin.

7.) She's a blogger.

6.) She already had an @google.com e-mail address when we first met.

5.) She can play "Imperial March" on the French Horn

4.) She is half Chinese, and half White, which makes her FULL Hot, like Kristin Kreuk

3.) She drinks beer. Not like Strongbow Cider "beer", but like actual, good beer. Furthermore, she brings some home for me without request.

2.) She fits into a bag that does not have to be checked at the airport. This is good for a multitude of reasons, which I shouldn't even have to explain to you, but obviously since you're girlfriend will never be able to do so, and therefore, aren't ever be as cool, I will. First of all, I can sleep in the middle of the bed, and my 62lb. dog can sleep beside me, and she can still fit next to him. And this bed's only a queen. Secondly, she can fit into a fucking suitcase that would fit in the overhead compartment of an airplane! What are you not understanding about how fucking cool that is?

1.) These words came out of her mouth today: ""...but you know, now that you (finally) have internet (again), on the nights you want to just chull (that's right, as in making fun of they way YOUR girlfriend says the word "chill") and play video games, I can bring over my laptop and blog."

So there you have it. You came here looking for a fortune. Well, here's your fortune: Clearly, indisputably, I win. You lose. Sorry to hear about your loss. Get well soon. Insert other generic, apathetic, and therefore, condescending greeting card gesture here. If you don't like it, break up with your girlfriend, and try to steal mine. Other option (just throwin' it out there): Remember Reason #8. Little warning about that one though, her twin has a boyfriend, too - The Dread Pirate Roberts. 'Nuff said?!

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