There's more than one way to cook a potato...

Image Courtesy of recipes.howstuffworks.com

French fries are hot. I mean this in both the Paris Hilton sense, as well as the temperature sense. I know I vowed never to so much as mention Paris Hilton on my blog, but I thought it was important to clarify my meaning in that opening statement, and being that she does own a legal copyright on the term when used as a synonym for "popular", and the last thing I ever want to do (besides sleep with her) is owe Paris Hilton money (for sleeping with her), I am merely covering all my legal bases here.

So anyway, french fries are hot. But french fries are also gross when cold. Therefore, we all suffer through the burning, singeing pockets of shooting grease that ooze out into our raw mouths as we devour them by the horde. And better yet, we all make very different and unique faces when doing so.

For example, there is the "quick blower" face. The eyes of the quick blower gives he or she their trademark: bugged, protruding, focused, and persistent. If the quick blower's eyes had the ability to cool down their french fries, they would have much more success in so doing than the two or three quick, deep breaths (of around 98.6 degree wind) they blow on them.

Similar, but certainly not the same, you have the "slow blower" face. Slow blowers, much like the quick blowers, obviously get their name from blowing on their fries in order to cool them down. However, the slow blower uses the one, long, slow, deep breath method to attempt to cool their fries. A slightly more effective technique (achieving a lower breath temperature of around 90 degrees by the end), however, the tendancy of the slow blower is to not carry out their technique long enough to adequately reduce the scalding temperature of the interior of their fries, leaving their mouths inevitably charred, blackened, burned, and blistered after consumption.

The eyes of the slow blower, unlike those of the quick blower, are less bulging, more relaxed and patient; as if to say, "I've got all day to blow on my fries if I have to, but I'm gonna eat them ridiculously too hot anyway."

The third, and final classification of the fry blower species, is the "inner-mouth blower." Mostly self-explanatory, and almost entirely dirty sounding, the inner-mouth blower has no time to wait for their stanky breath to cool down their fries at all. Instead, the inner-mouth blower uses their tongue, gums, uvula, teeth, and esophagus to absorb the blistering heat that the fry injects into their oral cavity. Their name comes from the passing of the tolerable pain threshold (which happens almost instantaneously), causing them to attempt the quick blower technique once the fry is already inside their mouth.

The eyes of the inner-mouth blower, are similar to those of the quick blower, but with more tears. The mouth is 20% more agape than is safe and sustainable for their jaw bones. The heads are usually turned down, back toward their plates, so that any excess food, blood, fiery tissue, skin, enamel lava, etc. that may fall out, will do so back into a controlled and entirely edible environment.

So if you want success drenched over you like ketchup on your insanely hot plate of french fried potatoes today, heed to what I say: "Order the potato salad. Chew with your mouth closed, and your eyes safely and comfortably in their sockets. And for Fonzie's sake, remember the Realistist Rule!"

I choose not to even say where I got this picture from. Sue me if you must.

Gotta Pay the Piper...

Image Courtesy of www.binarymoon.co.uk

It has been said that plumbing is the worst profession, except for Coprophagia Web Design. Recently, I discovered that hemorrhoids, which will forever now be known by all humankind as, "hemmers", are an all too common occurrence. Just a dash of research will tell you that hemmers are most commonly caused from straining while pooping (official terminology). Other contributing factors could be, but are not limited to: stress, sitting for long periods of time on hard surfaces, chronic diarrhea (don't think it's the actual diarrhea on this one, but more the act of having to chronically wipe. See item #5 in my blog post from 08/21/09 here, for my solution to this issue), and of course, trusty ol' anal sex. Whatever the cause of you hemmers may be, I CANNOT bring myself to look at them.

I'm serious, I cannot do it. I can't even look at a picture of a nameless, faceless humanoid ass that, only allegedly, has hemmers. I certainly cannot look at my OWN hemmers, and not just because of the angle, I mean, if really wanted to, they do make mirrors with handles you know? Which brings me to my next point: I think we should start referring to all handled-mirrors as, "hemmermirrors". (Trust me, I thought about that like, 6 times before I wrote it, and all one word looks WAY better.)

Let us take a moment to reflect back on what you've learned today. (1.) Coprophagia is the official terminology for a demented pervert who likes people to crap all over them, sexually. (2.) No one says "hemorrhoids" anymore, unless they want to look like a fat idiot in front of their friends. "Hemmers" is the preferred nomenclature. (3.) Hemmers can be caused by a number of various factors, including: eating, and therefore pooping, like a fat kid; unnecessary emotional withholding toward the most trivial things in life, about which we can do nothing; laziness; drinking too damn much, too damn often; and of course, trusty ol' anal sex. (4.) I have no idea what a hemmer looks like, and most likely never will because I have an intense, psychological problem which prohibits my eyes from ever being able to focus on one, even with the use of a hemmermirror. (4.) Oh yeah, mirrors with handles are now known as "hemmermirrors."

The plumber's job is to make sure the shit passes through the pipe, making it obvious as to what the pipe's job is. I recommend being the plumber today, rather than the pipe. If your job is Coprophagia Web Design, I'd say you're more or less....the pipe.

Image Courtesy of http://i188.photobucket.com

The Golden Rule of Tom Thumb...

Image Courtesy of www.old-picture.com

It's the end of the world as we know it. On this "magical 9's day", everything you thought you knew is about to change. Prepare yourself as the proverbial rug is pulled out from under you. I have adopted a new quote (said by me, of course) which best describes life, and more importantly, my life. I am starting a movement to pass this quote as a rule. Passing a quote as a rule works kinda like how a bill becomes a law, only without all the disgustingly rich geriatrics in suits and bullshit red tape. Nope, turning a quote into a rule is as simple as me declaring it so.

Once I have made my quote into a rule, I will start a movement to replace the Golden Rule with my rule, known hereby as the Realistist Rule. The text of the Realistist Rule is as follows:

"Just do what you're supposed to."

Done.

That being said, I hereby declare this quote be forevermore revered as "The Realstist Rule".

And now that I have successfully turned my quote into a rule, let the movement to replace the Golden Rule with the Realistist Rule begin. In order to accomplish this seemingly overwhelming (to some, perhaps) feat, I must first develop a comparison chart listing all the pros and cons of each rule. And so I have done:

	The Golden Rule	The Realistist Rule
Easy to remember the actual text verbatim
Easy to actually follow
Easy to pronounce
Probable that people will actually follow
Taught by Jesus, and other religious figures
Taught by someone who doesn't believe that religion is an excuse to break it and obtain forgiveness
Delicious sounding (as in, also applicable to pastry baking)
When adhered to, helps you get laid
Looks good on a bumper sticker
Looks good on a t-shirt
Unique, original, trend-setting

As you can clearly see, it was a close comparison, but the results don't lie. The Realistist Rule clearly edges out the Golden Rule in a 7-6 victory, making the Realistist Rule now the single most important thing to remember in the entire Universe, at all times, and thus accomplishing my mission to with it replace the Golden Rule.

Thank you all for participating in this ever important movement. We couldn't have done it without your diligence and tenacity. Now, go back to working or whatever it is you're supposed to be doing right now instead of fucking off on the internet all day, reading my blog.

I mean seriously, there's a fucking Eskimo opposite you! What the fuck? Instantaneous Realistist Rule FAIL!