There's more than one way to cook a potato...

Image Courtesy of recipes.howstuffworks.com

French fries are hot. I mean this in both the Paris Hilton sense, as well as the temperature sense. I know I vowed never to so much as mention Paris Hilton on my blog, but I thought it was important to clarify my meaning in that opening statement, and being that she does own a legal copyright on the term when used as a synonym for "popular", and the last thing I ever want to do (besides sleep with her) is owe Paris Hilton money (for sleeping with her), I am merely covering all my legal bases here.

So anyway, french fries are hot. But french fries are also gross when cold. Therefore, we all suffer through the burning, singeing pockets of shooting grease that ooze out into our raw mouths as we devour them by the horde. And better yet, we all make very different and unique faces when doing so.

For example, there is the "quick blower" face. The eyes of the quick blower gives he or she their trademark: bugged, protruding, focused, and persistent. If the quick blower's eyes had the ability to cool down their french fries, they would have much more success in so doing than the two or three quick, deep breaths (of around 98.6 degree wind) they blow on them.

Similar, but certainly not the same, you have the "slow blower" face. Slow blowers, much like the quick blowers, obviously get their name from blowing on their fries in order to cool them down. However, the slow blower uses the one, long, slow, deep breath method to attempt to cool their fries. A slightly more effective technique (achieving a lower breath temperature of around 90 degrees by the end), however, the tendancy of the slow blower is to not carry out their technique long enough to adequately reduce the scalding temperature of the interior of their fries, leaving their mouths inevitably charred, blackened, burned, and blistered after consumption.

The eyes of the slow blower, unlike those of the quick blower, are less bulging, more relaxed and patient; as if to say, "I've got all day to blow on my fries if I have to, but I'm gonna eat them ridiculously too hot anyway."

The third, and final classification of the fry blower species, is the "inner-mouth blower." Mostly self-explanatory, and almost entirely dirty sounding, the inner-mouth blower has no time to wait for their stanky breath to cool down their fries at all. Instead, the inner-mouth blower uses their tongue, gums, uvula, teeth, and esophagus to absorb the blistering heat that the fry injects into their oral cavity. Their name comes from the passing of the tolerable pain threshold (which happens almost instantaneously), causing them to attempt the quick blower technique once the fry is already inside their mouth.

The eyes of the inner-mouth blower, are similar to those of the quick blower, but with more tears. The mouth is 20% more agape than is safe and sustainable for their jaw bones. The heads are usually turned down, back toward their plates, so that any excess food, blood, fiery tissue, skin, enamel lava, etc. that may fall out, will do so back into a controlled and entirely edible environment.

So if you want success drenched over you like ketchup on your insanely hot plate of french fried potatoes today, heed to what I say: "Order the potato salad. Chew with your mouth closed, and your eyes safely and comfortably in their sockets. And for Fonzie's sake, remember the Realistist Rule!"

I choose not to even say where I got this picture from. Sue me if you must.