Which Came First...

...The donut, or the donut seat cushion? If it was the donut cushion, then the inventor of the donut did us a great disservice by naming a delectable "anytime pastry" after a disgusting ass planter for people with hemmers. If it was the donut that came before its cushion, then the inventor of the cushion totally effed up the delectability of America's all-time favorite anytime pastry for all of us.

In either case, I'll never bite into a soft, sweet, moist, satisfying donut again without thinking about a giant, hemmer-filled ass cleavage plopping its bloody, blistery, puss-infected purple starfish hole down all over my glaze!

Unless maybe they were both invented by the same person? Makes sense. One leads to the necessity of the other. I mean, how many donuts does it take before you get your first hemmer? It's economics 101: Supply & Demand. It's all about inventing products which create their own demand for another of your products.

Hell, General Motors has been doing that to us for years. By telling us that we should only use Dex-Cool® engine coolant in all their makes and models; going so far as to say, the aluminum radiators will melt under the intense heat of an inferior type of coolant. The only thing truthful about that statement is, "the aluminum radiators will melt" and "inferior type of coolant", and only when you're directing both of those statements at the usage of Dex-Cool coolant itself.

I gotta admit, it's quite a genius marketing strategy actually. You make profit on the sale of the car, the sale of the coolant that goes into the car, and then, when the radiators, intake gaskets, water pumps, head gaskets, and all other parts of your coolant system corrode and become defective as a direct result of the "inferior coolant" you've been making profit on for years (per vehicle sold), you make money on selling the replacement parts for such as well.

Even more genius than that: GM has still managed to find a way to go almost complete bankrupt, in spite of their little coolant "supply & demand" scheme. Now, after completely discontinuing more than half of their various lines, they've made a valiant attempt to come back strong in 2010; launching an advertising campaign with a catchy, confident slogan: "May the best car win."

Well GM, we've been putting your cars to the test "against all other vehicles" for years now, and the verdict is in: YOU STILL MAKE THE SHITTIEST CARS ON THE PLANET. You lose. Now, before you go spending what little money you have left of what the United States government gave to bail you out on more high-dollar advertising, why don't you pay out the some 20 million people to whom you owe money as a result of this class action lawsuit: http://www.aftermarketnews.com/Item/30144/ruling_is_near_on_gm_engine_coolant_class_action_sought_over_dexcool.aspx

If you, or someone you know, or someone that someone you know knows, knows anyone who works at General Motors today, the fact that he or she hasn't already lost their job there is pretty much the lucky equivalent to you having already won the lottery. Which is bad news for you, and whomever you know, because it means all your luck has already run out, and without the satisfaction and financial independence generally associated with having actually won the lottery. Therefore, today...not so good for you, my fiend. Yes, there isn't an 'R' there on purpose. Look it up. You're so conceited.