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If I could save time in a bottle, I'd do the following in chronological order: Sleep, wake up, look for a bigger bottle, go back to sleep, wake up, join gamefly and master all video games ever invented, sleep, wake up, invent a time machine, go back in time to 1963, sleep with a Beatle.
I've found it increasingly more difficult of late to keep up with this blog with the sort of frequency I would like. In order to explain this, I have constructed the following too much time on my hands, bored at work, gay, "Random Things" List. As you'll notice, the biggest difference between my list and those canned, cookie-cutter, girlie lists you'll find on all the social networking sites, is that I made mine up off the top of my head, and I'm considerably maladjusted. If any of these statements even remotely echo similarities in you, please leave me a comment. Afterall, it's our own self-indulgence that drives us bloggers to do what we do, so what's the point if no one out there acknowledges our love of hearing our own inner ramblings? Without further ado:
1.) I peel my toenails off. I do not cut them, or trim them, or use an instrument of any kind to make them shorter. I use my fingers, and my fingernails, and I peel them off. Anything else would be too girlie. Most people probably find this disgusting. I ask those people to simply not watch me peel off my own toenails. No, I do NOT eat them when I am done.
2.) I do NOT pee in the shower, and CANNOT understand how, or why, anyone could/would. Go before, or after, but not during. You are not clean when you get out of a shower in which you just peed. If you are the kind of person who thinks me peeling off my toenails is gross, just imagine me peeling off my toenails after they've been fermenting in my own urine for 10 minutes.
3.) I am not afraid of whatever food service people do to my food when I'm not looking. I am not afraid of the trace amounts of urine and fecal matter found on lemons, and most all other food that is prepared ahead of time in public eateries. If you do not close the lid to your own toilet before you flush it, you will find more traces of urine and fecal matter on your own toothbrush, than you will on the lemons in your ice water at a restaurant. Which leads me to my next random thought:
4.) I believe in closing the lid on the toilet when you're done using it. That's what the lid is for. No more of this male/female bickering about men always leaving the toilet seat up, and women always leaving it down. EVERYONE should be putting the seat AND the lid down when they're done, because THAT'S WHAT THE FREAKIN' LID IS THERE FOR. That way, everyone has to lift something every time they go to the bathroom, no one has any more or less "work" to do, and poop and piss does not get all over my toothbrush.
5.) There is absolutely no reason, at all, why Americans shouldn't use a bidet. I swear to something, anything, that I'm putting one in my house. I believe more in the "three seashells" technique from Demolition Man than I do wadded up squares of ultra thin paper. Until Europeans develop an understanding for the condition known most commonly in the U.S as "dingleberries," I'm going to stick to my guns that their methodology is better.
6.) Tampon, douche, yeast-infection treatment, and other "feminine hygiene" product commercials are ALL degrading toward women and should be banned. At very least, they should be made illegal to air between the hours of me eating lunch, and me eating dinner. Men do not buy these products for women unless asked to do so directly, followed by being told specifically what exact kind to purchase. And seriously, of all the stupid women I know in this universe, I don't know any who would actually change their product(s) of choice based on a television commercial. If you are a feminine hygiene product manufacturer, spending your advertising dollars on television commercials is a complete and utter waste of your time and money. If you want marketing results, put your ads in chicky fashion magazines, or better yet, Victoria Secret catalogs. Yes, putting advertisements for feminine hygiene products in a Viki's Secret catalog will no doubt cause more women to buy your product, however, it will also cause men to stop sneaking them into the bathroom during #2 time, which would inevitably lead to a detrimental decrease in slutty panties sales for Victoria Secret. Tough call.
7.) If I wear socks, I never have to wash my shoes, correct? So if I wear underwear, same thing with my pants, no? Well, however you would answer that question, my answer is yes. Clean underwear, undershirts, socks, over shirts, fine. But just try and guess when the last time I washed my pants was. Seriously. I dare you.
8.) As long as there are women in this world who can shotgun a beer, kick their boyfriend's ass at beer pong/flip cup, shoot jager, and/or become head brewmasters, I will never understand why it is considered "girlie" for a man to order an apple martini, or similar fruit-flavored drink. Apple martini's are straight liquor. There is nothing non-alcoholic in them. Why should someone have to drink straight vodka in order to be considered "manly"? Straight vodka just doesn't taste good. You can add all the olive juice (non-alcoholic, you big sissy) to it that you want, and it's still not going to taste any less like bactine.
9.) I go left. If you've ever done the "sidewalk dance" you'll know what I'm talking about. I make it real simple: I GO LEFT! Always. Not for one second do I hesitate. You won't get a dance out of me. I go left. While you're standing there having a two step moment with yourself, I'll be passing you to the left. I do, however, thank you for and applaud your efforts to get out of my way. Anything is better than the "go-straighters". You cannot walk shoulder-to-shoulder, 3 wide on the side walk. There are other people in this world. It is conceivable that at some point, you will pass one of these people on the sidewalk. When you do, MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR WAY. It is not YOUR sidewalk, nor does the world revolve around you. That being said, I can usually see idiots like that coming, in which case, I make an exception to my "I go left" rule. I find it helps to bring a helmet along with you just for scenarios such as this. Bow your head, quickly strap on your helmet, and make a b-line right at the arrogant straight-walker in front of you. You'll never see a moron move faster.
10.) My patience has expired for people who don't use google programs. If you use an email address that ends with something other than your company, college, website's domain name, or gmail.com, you're an idiot. @aol.com, @yahoo.com, @hotmail.com, @msn.com, etc. are now all unacceptable e-mail addresses. If you are unsure as to why gmail is the best, do yourself a favor and just make the switch. If I'm wrong, feel free to never return to this website again. Also, just so everyone knows, Internet Explorer, iTunes, all anti-virus/anti-spyware/anti-malware programs, and all Facebook applications are virus causing, phishing, spamming, computer bogging, infectious diseases of programming that aren't to be used under any circumstances. Oh, and uh, Twitter sucks! Don't believe me, just look at what google has to say about it:
http://mashable.com/2009/08/11/google-twitter-search/
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