Diamonds are a girl's "b.f.f." If children are "God's punishment to women for enjoying sex," as I've heard on more than one occasion, then diamonds are their reward for being good at it. It's true ladies. Men who have been properly sexed think that they are in love with anything. So, to debunk another (obviously female in origin) cliché, the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach, but rather, down his pants with ungodly assertiveness.
I was once part of a conversation (and I won't tell you which part) that went something like this: "I'm too afraid to have sex with Angelina Jolie, because I'm so certain that once I was done, she'd kick the shit out of me, and it'd make me fall in love with her forever." This could actually explain her relationship with Brad Pitt. Tell me those two don't beat the holy hell out of one another after every sexcapade. Something else that this statement explains is the overwhelming stupidity of the male species.
Here's a little secret for all the ladies out there: Every single thing a man does, during the course of his entire life, is done so for the purposes of getting laid. This mentality drastically contradicts that of women's reason for living. Women, much more complex and diverse (a.k.a. - psycho) a species, have several different purposes for which to live, and which may vary depending on a variety of factors in their present lives.
First, and certainly the most common, longest lasting, and most frequently returned to reason that women have to live is to impress other women. Now, this point has been argued time and time again, and perhaps its biggest rival is a little something I'd like to call the "make men jealous theory." While it is true that women do start attempting to make men jealous at a very early age (starting with their fathers), there is an ulterior motive behind this psychology at all times. What men fail to realize (because they think that the universe revolves around them), is that little girls make their fathers jealous in order to impress their mothers. And this mentality carries on through the rest of their lives.
For example, when a man sees a girl dressed up like it's "club night" just to go to Target to buy some shampoo, he thinks to himself, "she must be looking to get laid tonight," (nothing to do with the shampoo). The fact of the matter is, the man is only assuming this because that's exactly what he is thinking about. The woman in question, is actually just trying to make other women at Target jealous of the amount of sexual attention she is receiving from the men. She has no intentions of getting laid at all. It isn't a premeditative thing for women like it is for men. Honestly, women don't know they're going to have sex with you until the exact moment they are crawling into bed with you. And they only give into it then because (usually) there are no other women around to impress. Which leads me to my next purpose women have for living: Caretaking.
There comes a point in every woman's life when they need to assume the role of caretaker. That doesn't always necessarily mean mommihood. It can be as simple as taking care of one stupid, full grown man, or even another full grown woman. When a woman has a man alone in her bedroom (which you now realize she has only done in order to impress other women, and not because she's into the man at all necessarily), she decides to assume the role of caretaker. It's a win/win, truly, for all parties involved. The man, helpless in his own dumbassness, and the woman, molecularly engineered with all the qualities of a good caretaker (i.e.: patience, instruction-giving, stick-to-itiveness, versatility, listening, and consoling), have both finally weaseled their way into a mutually desirable situation. If all goes well, the woman will be patient while the man can't figure out how to do it (patience), give instruction to him on how to do it (instruction-giving), be patient yet again while he continues to fail (stick-to-itiveness), offer suggestions on alternative ways to accomplish the goal (versatility), and finally, listen and console him while he balls his eyes out in embarrassment because he sucks at his one reason for living.
If you're looking for a little spark in your romantic life today, try looking the other way for a change. You suck, and therefore, anyone who's going to be attracted to you has to suck, and therefore, if the two of you ever have children together (god forbid), they will suck, and so on. So, just do us all a favor: Help control the idiot population, and have yourSELF spayed or neutered.
Relationships: Can't live with 'em, too chicken-shit to kill yourself, masturbation gets old. You know what NEVER gets old? Cold Beer.
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