Whatever doesn't kill you...

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When in doubt, whip it out, and throw her down. No, I'm not making a reference to your future potential sexual assault charges. I'm talking about your wallet, purse, money clip, what have you. Wherever you keep your money/credit cards/check book/food stamps/etc, take it out, and pick up the tab.

You see, I'm sick of always being the guy to pick up the extra slack from his group of friends, whom all forgot to ask for separate checks at the restaurant when we all went out for dinner, and everyone is now leaving at a different time, so now there is one bill for the entire table, and everyone at the table is paying separately, and with a debit card no less. You've got the "I'm good at math" girl (as if) sitting there writing down what each person owes individually, next to their name, and in descending order according to the order of the debit cards that are all stuffed into that little plastic pocket at the top of the check holder (which is conveniently ALWAYS broken because of lunatics like you).

No! STOP! Put your erroneous math calculating pen down, and just listen to me for two seconds. We can all just sit here for the rest of the night while you mistakenly total up everyone's amount due, and then when you all leave, I can slam down my debit card and pick up the extra $20 you neglected to account for, collectively, or you can just let me pick this one up entirely right now, and pay it forward next time.

Yeah, well, there's never a next time is there? Such is the case with your business and love life today. "Never a next time" means it's time to take that final plunge. If you're holding in your feelings about a particular, special someone, because you aren't sure if the time is right to tell this person how you feel, just do it. They probably don't like you anyway, because you're a shit stain, so you might as well just tell them. At least you'll brighten their day by giving them something to laugh and joke with their friends/coworkers about. So what if it's at your expense. If you truly care about this person, you should want to brighten their day no matter what.

If you've had an idea that you've been sleeping on for way too long already, today's the day to take that chance. Stop being afraid of the worst case scenario, and just go for it, because there won't be a next time to try. Nevermind the fact that right now, as you contemplate this venture in your head, someone with 1,000 times the intelligence to figure out the best strategy, and 100,000,000,000 times the money to invest in applying that strategy, is thinking about the exact same idea as you; making it inevitable that you WILL fail. Now is the time to fail. There won't be a next time.

In fact, I have an idea that's sure to fail: The next time we go out to eat in a group of 6 or more, and the "I'm good at math" girl says you only owe $15 for your entire dinner and 3 drinks, why not go ahead and assume she's an ignorant puketard, and put down an extra 20 spot. That way, at the end of the night, when I'm the last one left to pay, and there's too much money just to pay the check and tip, I WON'T pee in your to go box.

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